“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. But this year, it’s gone too far!” — Albert Einstein, 2020

The wild-eyed physicist has managed to bend time with gravity and slingshot himself to a future point where he recognizes very little! The bespectacled legume Mr. Peanut is dead. The United Kingdom is divided by the rhyming forces Brexit and Megxit. Many casual conversations include the term “murder hornets.” The physicist cannot make sense of it. He has traveled to a moment in which time is now too relative. …

Her hits now with an extra dose of injustice

For the first time on vinyl, CD, and retainer, it’s the official soundtrack of the #FreeBritney movement!

While her 2004 Greatest Hits album is loaded with Britney’s beat-driven bangers, it lacks the legalese that’s completely consumed the last 12 years of her life. Now the artist’s hottest tracks are mashed up with her coldest claims against her father, in these judicial jams that are sure to have the dance floor screaming, “Gimme, gimme mo-tion for a new trial!”

Hear how Britney’s daily life is micromanaged on the power-of-attorney ballad, “Sometimes (My Dad Lets Me Pick My Own Pizza Toppings).”


Felt cute, might delete later.

December 1, 1606 — Oh, great. Another wave of this damn plague. The holiday theater season is cancelled and we’re ordered to quarantine again. I’m so tired of this! All there is to do inside is write plays. Ugh! I admit, I wasted most of the first wave trying to bake bread, which NEVER rose. Then yawned out some bleak, nihilistic nonsense about a dad who also happens to be a king, and divides his kingdom between his three daughters. I really rip the poor family to shreds. I dunno … I might be depressed?

December 15, 1606 — Still…

Couldn’t be more straightforward. Seriously.

Prep Time

How much time do you have? I’ve got all day!

Cook Time

5 Minutes

Total Time

Depends if you’re reading for comprehension.

Finding the Recipe: The Soup Is Out There

I’ve loved soup my entire life, long before I even took my first bite. Born in Fairfield, CT in the (very) late ʼ80s, I was a quiet kid who came to depend upon our views of the Long Island Sound. The Sound is a tidal estuary of the Atlantic Ocean. For years I stood barefoot in Fairfield’s pale coastal sands and contemplated the aquatic ecosystem before me; the…

At any other time in a country that protects peaceful assembly in its constitution, the news would sound both laughable and horrifying: “Flash mob arrested.” But Sun Valley County Jail in Los Angeles’ San Fernando region is now overrun with dancing delinquents who never imagined it would happen to them. “I never imagined this,” one said.

It began innocently enough, when restless college junior Sammie Johnson, driven back into his parents’ home by the COVID-19 pandemic, felt compelled to act. “The flash mob community was already hurting before this outbreak,” said Johnson. “Demand was on the decline. People who’d once…

Rebecca Bohanan

Rebecca is a writer who has worked as the Associate Editor at MAD Magazine, and has appeared in the NYT Modern Love column. Read more at www.rebeccabohanan.com

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